More to.......WHAT?

I am a guys guy. I enjoy sports, occasionally cuss, and would rather give my wife a high five on our anniversary then have to figure out what perfume she is now infatuated with.

I tell you this because tonight I accidentally started watching the new reality TV show "More to Love".

I kid you not, this is a reality show about fat people. It is like "The Bachelor" for the big and tall. Today, I decided that I am going to become a television writer. Seriously, if "More to Love", which stars a guy who hasn't seen a salad in the last 15 years, becomes a hit new show for NBC, I think the end of mankind is near.

To stress my point, here are a couple of quotes as they were going through the elimination ceremony:

1) "I was so nervous because he hadn't called my name and I thought, I am going to lose the man of my dreams...." Seriously, according to my calculations, she had known Tubby Tommy for approximately 49 minutes, and at this point had determined that he was the man of her dreams. Two words for you sweetie: Aim Higher.

2) "I really need to make it through elimination because I honestly think this is my last chance at love." This came from a gal who I am not kidding was 29 years old and weighed more than any 29 year old should. My advice: Your last chance at love should not be hooking up with Fatty McFatterson....it should have more to do with hooking up with that exercise bike you are now using as a clothesline.


So, no joke I watched the show for 19 minutes. I could not believe that this made it to prime time television. I have a call into the NBC execs right now though to pitch my new show: "Everyone Poops". I cannot give away the plot, but can you say "riveting".

Because they watch Ni Hao Kai Lan, which is a cartoon about a 5 year old preschooler who teaches kids to always "try your best"...instead of reality shows staring Wally Weigh-A-Lot...I love my girls....

Our little ultimate fighting champion

This is what we woke up to today:

Both my little ones eyes were swollen shut. She did not appear to be in any pain, as she was giggling and eating lucky charms.

I took her to the doctor today and he exclaimed, "well, it's not pink eye, come back if it doesn't go away".......Thanks Doc.

When we got home, I asked Ashley if she was okay, and she replied "you should see the other guy..."

Because they can hold their own.....I love my girls...

Oh Deer.......

It was a brisk morning for July, even in Minnesota. The sun was out but the temperature gauge outside the house was registering a cool 64 degrees as my beautiful bride climbed into her car last week and headed to work. She has been leaving the house around 6 or 6:30 AM lately....and this day was no exception.

Although we thought this day was like any other...there was one difference. About 12 minutes into her drive, a deer jumped out of the bushes and ran right at her car. She instinctively veered to the left into the oncoming traffic lane. Thank God there was no oncoming traffic.

The deer bounced off her car, and ran way. She called home. I answered the phone call, learned a deer hit her and was worried about her. She said she was fine, just a little shook up. Kelly Smith = Nerves of Steel. Please forgive my french, but I would have shit my pants.

The car went in today to get fixed. My wife drives a Infiniti G35. They gave her a Toyota Corolla as a rental. It is not a bad car, but it is not a G35, and she was a little confused about the "lever you had to use to move the seat".....

Here is her car:

That little dent is going to cost us $3,500 to fix, but for that price they will also remove the fur that is still clinging to the car by some sticky substance.

As a side note, I learned in Canada last week that it is much better to hit a deer than a moose, for they are taller and apparently are huge....meaning you cut their bony legs out and the girth of their body comes through the windshield.

I am willing to bet that even if my wife hit a moose she would not be phased....she would probably get out of her car and yell at the damn thing.

Anyhow, everyone is fine, my daughters never learned that mom hit a deer as we weren't sure how to explain to them yet about Bambi dieing, etc...

Because one has nerves of steel, and the others melt my heart, I love my girls....

I hugged the neighbor.....

As many of you know our little angels go to two different daycares. Both are in our neighborhood...one is across the street, where Katelyn and Ashley are her only kids. One is two houses down and she has somewhere around 7 to 10 kids. My wife could tell you exactly how many there are..but I have never been a stickler for details.

I give you this background, because an amazing thing happened. Rhonda (the daycare two houses down) told us that she would be having a sleepover for all the girls in the daycare. It was going to be Saturday night, and both Katleyn and Ashley were invited to stay the night.

The ENTIRE night.

The invite to the sleepover said it would start around 5:00.

At 4:58 we took this picture:

At exactly 5PM, we met every other parent at the sleepover, as apparently everyone wanted every minute they could get. We confirmed with Rhonda that Ashley could stay the night. On the way out, we asked her husband Phil if he knew what he was getting into.

Knowing that I was dropping my two girls off at 5PM, not being expected to pick them up until the following morning at 9AM, and that I did not have to pay for it....I hugged him.

My wife and I had a quiet night alone, enjoying the scenery on Lake Waconia from Lola's patio. I spent the night staring into Kelly's eyes and confessing my love.... It was either confessing my love or eating Calamari....

The next morning, we picked up the kids. They had a GREAT time and Katelyn asked when the next party was.

The next "party" is with Grandma and Grandpa this weekend as my mom and dad offered to watch them for the night on my birthday.

Yes, I plan on hugging my parents as well on Friday when we drop them off.

I will encourage them to enjoy sleepovers, but because I think they will still like sleeping here better, I love my girls....

How I lost 5 pounds with a "desk job"....

I am a recruiter. Typically, this means I spend the majority of my day talking to potential new employees for my company. I am oversimplifying what I do....but the details aren't necessary. All you need to understand is that I sit behind a desk with a phone a computer for 8+ hours a day. I still lost weight on Tuesday of this week, and the following story details how:


I had to leave early today to pick up my kids from daycare. This meant I had to leave the office at 4PM. Because I am a multi-tasker I had scheduled a phone screen at 4:15. I figured I could be in my car, and receive the call, and walk through the phone screen, etc..

I got into my car at 4:13, and started it up. I drive a Ford Explorer. I tell you this because if any of you own a Ford Explorer you know that the air conditioning is not the fastest to cool down, and while it is trying to cool down, the fan blows at mach 3 and is loud.

I started the truck, and looked at the temperature gauge, it said 92 degrees Fahrenheit. For those of you in Canada, I have no idea what this is in Celsius….but no matter where you are this is hot. No problem, as remember I am a multi-tasker. I can deal with the fan blowing while conducting a phone screen and should only be uncomfortable for a few minutes.

The candidate, true to the plan, called me at exactly 4:15. Not sticking to the plan, I quickly learned that communication skills were not his forte. In fact, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being good…I would put him at a 2… only because I understood “Hello”.

I looked down, the gauge now read 94. Unfortunately, because I did not want the candidate to think I was not giving him a fair interview, I decided that I would strain to understand what he was saying….but this meant that I had to turn off the air conditioning as I simply could not hear him well enough.

I could not role down the windows, as the wind was too noisy for me to strain and understand his answers to my questions.

So….94 degrees is hot for an average person. Although I am not morbidly obese…I could stand to lose a few pounds….and because of this 94 degrees is really hot.

But as they say in recruiting “the phone screen must go on”…

So I turned off the air conditioning and rolled up the windows, thereby creating a moving sauna…. And started in with my questions.

Hoping this phone screen could be short, I went with the abridged version….but 6 minutes in I was sweating more then I have in a long time.

To close the interview, I graciously asked if he had any questions for me. When I asked this question, I was praying that he would respond “No, I will save them for the interview”….instead…I think he said “I have a few”….

29 minutes later I had answered all his questions. Because I struggled to understand him, I will admit that I answered two questions, not even really sure what he asked.

One time he either said "Do you have growth opportunities" or "can I work in China?". So, of course I answered "we have growth opportunities in China...."

So, the phone screen lasted a total of 42 minutes. Conducted in a rolling sauna with a temp of 94 degrees. I believe I lost 5 pounds. There is a chance I fainted twice as it got really hard to breathe about halfway through.

When I got home, I took off my shirt, and literally could ring it out as it was drenched.

So, for those of you who think we can’t lose weight with a “desk job” I will give you a phone number of someone you can phone screen and you too can lose some weight while working…..

Because they will love me even when I sweat....I love my girls...

"Mommy, this is what princesses have to wear....."

When mom went to put clothes on her for the day, Katelyn picked this outfit and wore it all day because...well, that is what princesses do.

Because they sometimes carry magical wands......I love my girls.

Would the Grinch really steal Christmas from her.....

Seriously....don't you think my kid looks like one of those Who's down in WhoVille.......and no....I don't know why the glass of milk looks bigger then her head in the picture...

Please stop the search....I found my watch...or I should at least say that Kelly did...let me break it down for you:

I could not find m watch for the last two weeks. I looked and looked and nothing. Every day if not twice a day I asked my wife if she had seen it. Yesterday, when I got home from work, I asked my wife for the 79th time if she had seen my watch. She responds, "(sigh) Do you want me to find it for you?"

I was stunned. Literally, that was her question. I have been looking for this watch for two weeks, have asked her every hour on the hour if she knew where it was and she had to ask if I wanted her to find it. I was this close to telling her "no, I think it is fun to just keep asking you if you have seen it.'

Because I enjoy making out with my wife, I went with "yes honey, if you think you can"

Twelve minutes later, she gave me my watch. I was happy it was found....I was mad that she did in twelve minutes what I could not do in two weeks. Although, part of me thinks she is the one that hid it just to play this mean trick on me.

On a different note, our fence gets built tomorrow. Jimmy has told me no short of 37 times that if he hits a sprinkler head or hose, it is not his fault... Please cross your fingers.

Because they will never hide my possessions, I love my girls...